1 sherbet lemon too many
by fluffyflapjack
Summary: Dumbledore gets hyper and goes crazy, Snape annoys Lucius Malfoy and Hagrid eats a pancake. Gripping stuff.
1. Golf?

**One sherbet Lemon too many (aka Harry Potter and the game of golf)**

A.N. - This is the first time I've done a Harry Potter fic, so don't be mean. When I say 'hyper' in this story I don't mean anything rude or to do with drugs, just an overdose of sugar. Please don't take offence to anything for no apparent reason. 

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry, or any of his friends/enemies. Or the books, or the movies, or the merchandise, or the funny little Snape key-ring my friend got for Christmas. 

Dumbledore sits down on the big, leather chair in the middle of his office. Everyone always wondered at some point what he got up to in there. Today he is eating a bag of his favourite muggle sweet - Sherbet Lemons. He doesn't notice the warning on the side, no-one ever reads the labels of sweets unless they're ultimately bored. He is trying a new brand to test them for 'Safeway' magazine. 

Dumbledore: Hmmm....... Very sweet....... Yum. I think I'll have another....... And another...... One more won't hurt....... Make that two...... Three. 

This goes on for some time. 

Dumbledore: Whoops I finished the packet! Oh well. D'ya know what? I feel very happy! Yees! Haphapityhappy! Wheeeeeeeee! 

Dumbledore runs out of his office and slid down the bannister to the statue which is blocking the entrance to the secret office. 

Dumbledore: SHERBET LEMON! 

The Statue didn't just swing out of the way, it smashes several nearby classrooms as it swings off its hinges. 

Meanwhile...... In Hogsmeade......In the bar.............. At a table................ I'll stop now........ 

Snape and Lucius Malfoy are sitting at a table. You probably won't understand this bit 'cos it's an inside joke, but it's really funny just the same. 

Snape's hand darts forward and grabs one of Lucius Malfoy's....... Chips. (ha! You thought I is being rude!) 

Snape: Fool! 

Mr. M: I wish you'd stop doing that. : ( 

Snape did it again 

Snape: Fool! : ) 

Mr. M.: Look, if you bought them then I wouldn't mind but.... 

Snape: Fool! 

Mr. M.: Now, really. Is the name calling part absolutely necessary? 

Snape: Fool! 

Mr. M.: Look, this is getting highly irritating... 

Snape: Fool! 

Mr. M.: Stop it! Those are mine! You're getting them all dirty! "o 

Snape:................. 

Mr. M.: That's better. :) 

Snape: Fool! 

Mr. M: STOP IT!!!! I MEAN IT! 

Snape (whispering): okay.....o_o........... FOOL! : p 

Mr. M. :Mrrrrragh! ~ 

At another table, Hagrid is eating a pancake. 

Hagrid: Mmmmm. Pancake 

He wafts the smell towards him. 

Hagrid: I love pancakes. 

% 

~ 

At the great hall, everyone is having their breakfast. 

Harry: Well, Hermione. What have we got today? 

Hermione: Golf 

Ron: What? 

Hermione: Golf. 

Harry: Why? 

Hermione: Don't ask me, I'm only a genius. 

Ron: Oh. : o 

Harry: Hermi..... 

Hermione: Yeah? 

Harry: Never mind. O_O? 

^ ^ 

O 

Dumbledore enters the hall and skids all the way down the middle to the Griffindor table. 

Dumbledore: WHEEEEEEEE!! Whooo yeah! I feel sixty again! 

Harry, Ron and Hermione looked at each other. 

Prof D (proffessor Dumbledore): HIYA KIDDIES! WANNA PLAY GOLF? 

Ron: Um 

Prof D: Whoo 

Harry: Uh 

Prof D: Hup 

Hermione: Eh? 

Prof D: Wha 

Ron: Er..... 

Prof D: Heee 

There is a confused silence. 

Prof D: So, do ya? 

Ron: What? 

Prof D: Wanna play golf? 

Hermione: No, thanks. 

Prof D: YOU'LL DO AS YOUR HEADMASTER TELLS YOU AND THERE'LL BE NO BUTS ABOUT IT YOUNG LADY! 

Harry: Hermione, let's play golf. 

Ron: Yeah, me too. 

Prof. D: Yay! I love golf. 

Back at Hogsmeade....... 

Hagrid: Mmm, this pancake is really good. ROSMERTA! CAN I HAVE SOME SYRUP FOR MY PANCAKE? 

Rosmerta is busy, she's trying to chuck Mr. M and Snape out. 

Rosmerta: CAN YOU GIVE US A HAND HERE HAGRID? 

Hagrid: SURE! 

He walks over, picks them up and throws them out. He goes back to his pancake. Rosmeta gets him some syrup. 

Hagrid: Mmmmm.... 

Outside.... 

Snape: Fool! Now we've been chucked out! 

Mr Malfoy: What? It was you who started it! 

Snape: An unfounded accusation! 

Mr. M.: A what? 

Snape: An unfounded accusation! 

Mr. M: What's that? 

Snape: Er........ Fool! 

Mr. M: AARRRGGHHHHHHH!!!! 

Snape: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! 

Ginny has been sitting staring at Harry all lunchtime. Now she is in a state of shock at the fact that the person she is supposed to respect most in the whole school is challenging anyone and everyone to a game of golf. In fact, the sight was a little disturbing. 

Dumbledore:HOW 'BOUT YOU KIDDO? 

Ginny: Eep. 

Dumbledore: GAME OF GOLF? 

Ginny: Er, what's golf? 

Dumbledore: THE KID DOESN'T KNOW WHAT GOLF IS! Right, that's it! 

Dumbledore storms out of the great hall shouting, "The kid doesn't know what golf is! I'll be making a few changes around here!" 

The timetable in Hermione's hand magically changes. Every subject changes to "Golf". 

Ron notices this. 

Ron: Golf. Hmmm. It'll be funny to see old Snape teaching golf, if a little disturbing. 

Harry: Yeah. What's up with Dumbledore. 

Hermione: He's probably just having a mental overload. Most geniuses tend to be a bit eccentric. 

Ron: How about you? 

Hermione: Erm........ 

Harry: Well..... 

Hermione gives him an evil look. 

In potions, I mean, "Golf" class. 

Snape walks in, looking furious. Harry nudges Ron. 

Harry: Whatd'ya think Snape'll do? 

Ron: Umm....... I dunno but he looks pretty pissed off. (Oh! I said a naughty word! Sue me. No, wait please don't!) 

Ron: Umm...... I dunno but he looks pretty angry. 

Harry looks at Ron and raises his hand as if he's going to say something, but thinks better of it. 

Snape (as if he's been given a life sentence) : Today I'll be teaching you the wonders of........ Golf. 

Ron tries very hard not to laugh and Hermione has to stand on his toe. 

Snape: A lot of you won't know what golf is, being wizard-born. 

Malfoy nods, looking bewildered. 

Harry (whispering): You're in for a treat, Malfoy. 

Ron is now shaking so hard that several golf balls fall of the desk. He's bitten his lip so hard it's bleeding and there are tears in his eyes, due to his efforts not to laugh. Snapes face has gone bright red and he's glowering at Harry, Ron and Hermione. Malfoy still hasn't figured out what's so funny. 

Snape continues: Golf is one of the greatest sports in the world, played by muggles. 

At that moment, a loud Wheee! Can be heard from the corridor, everyone looks round and Dumbledore slides past the classroom. There's a loud crashing noise and muffled curses. 

Prof. D. : Damn skateboard! 

Snape looks round for a second and carries on as if the interruption hadn't taken place. 

Snape: This is a golf ball....... 

REVIEW NOW REVIEW NOW REVIEW NOW REVIEW NOW REVIEW NOW DO IT!!!! 

A.N.Wanna find out what happens next? Wanna make a suggestion? Then review! One thing's for sure, there will be a teacher golf tournament! Hehehehe! Now review. 


	2. A whole new meaning to the word breakdan...

**One sherbet lemon too many part two.**

****

A.N. WOW! I got loads of reviews for last chapter! Keep it up! Loads of thank-Us to everyone who reviewed! I promised you a teacher golf tournament, well, you'll just need to see if I can be bothered or hyper enough to put it in this chapter. Mwahahaha! Hehehe. 

Ron, Harry and Hermione left potions class and as soon as they were round the corner burst into fits of giggles. Ron had been trying not to laugh for so long that he was laughing so hard that it hurt. 

Harry (wiping tears from his eyes): Did you see his face when Dumblesdore told him about the golf tournament? 

Ron: We _have_ to see this. 

Hermione: Wonder if Snape's any good at golf? 

Harry: By the sounds of things, probably not. Wait a sec, can you hear something? 

The three stopped to listen. 

THUD THUD THUD. 

Harry: It's coming from upstairs! 

Ron: Don't tell me it's another basilisk! 

Hermione: Come on! 

They climbed staircase after staircase and the sound got louder and louder. Until they reached the sixth floor. Now it wasn't THUD, it was BOOM!!! The rhythm stayed the same all the time. 

Hermione: WHAT _IS _THAT? 

(they had to shout to be heard) 

Harry: SOUNDS LIKE DANCE MUSIC! 

Ron: WHAT'S THAT? 

Harry: IT'S A MUGGLE THING, MUSIC YOU CAN DANCE REALLY FAST TO. 

They opened the door to thier charms classroom and were almost deafened by the noise. Once they got reasonably used to the magically magnified music, they stared in horror. The seen was disturbing. 

Dumbledore: COME ON MINERVA! AND ONE, AND, TWO, AND THREE AND _STRETCH_! 

Dumbledore seemed to be teaching aerobics class with all the teachers. Snape looked furious, Lupin (who had been re-hired as DADA teacher) looked puzzled, and the other teachers looked exhausted. 

Dumbledore: OKAY! 

The music went off and most of the teachers fell to the floor. 

Dumbledore: THAT'S THE WARM-UPS DONE! (He hadn't noticed that the music was off) 

A huge groan echoed around the classroom, which was the biggest in the school and had been charmed to be even bigger. 

Dumbledore: NOW, NEXT TUESDAY'S THE DAY OF THE BIG TOURNAMENT! BUT I WANT YOU ALL TO LEARN SOMETHING ELSE WHICH YOU'LL TEACH TO THE KIDDIES. THAT IS................. BREAK-DANCING! 

Harry almost choked trying to fight down a fit of giggles. Hermione slapped him on the back. 

The music started up again. This time, it was that song from a few years ago, I think it's called "The way it is." = Perfect break-dancing music. 

Dumbledore:OKAY, AN EASY ONE! 

He didn't notice the looks the teachers were giving each other. 

Dumbledore: WATCH AND LEARN! 

Dumbledrore jumped onto one of the tables which had been piled up at the back. He lay down on his back and attempted to spin around. Then, he flipped over (very awkwardly) into a kneeling position and attempted to spin on his head. 

Harry, Ron and Hermione's laughter was drowned out by the music, but Snape noticed them. 

Harry: Time to go, I think! 

Snape was running towards them. That was a scary sight. 

Harry elbowed the other two and they noticed Snape. 

Ron: AHHHH! 

They pushed the door open and fled for their lives. 

Snape: COME BACK, POTTER! 

Harry ignored him. 

Dumbledore noticed Snape run out of the hall and said: I'LL BE RIGHT BACK, KEEP PRACTISING! 

He pulled out a packet of powder and a dropper from his pocket. The packet said: Instant skateboard, just add water. Dumbledore dropped a couple of drops of water into the packet which immediately turned into a Tellietubbies skateboard. 

Prof. D.: Proffessor Dumbledore bye-bye! 

He sped off after Snape. 

Meanwhile...... 

Hagrid: Mmmm, this pancake really is delicious, especially with syrup. 

Rosmerta: Enjoying your pancake Hagrid? 

Hagrid: Yep! 

Rosmerta: I just hope you brought enough money to pay for it this time. 

Hagrid: Er...... :( 

Rosmerta: That's what I thought. 

Hagrid: I'll........ I'll give yer Fang! : ) 

Rosmerta: What would I want your dog for? 

Hagrid: Hmmm..... I'll er..... Would ye take a banana? 

Rosmerta: Okay Hagrid. I'm hungry anyway. 

Hagrid: Really? O_O? 

In Hogwarts...... 

Snape: POTTER! THINK IT'S FUNNY NOW?! 

Prof. D.: SNAPE!!! GET YOUR A$$ BACK OVER HERE! 

Snape stopped in his tracks and Harry, Ron and Hermione kept running. 

Snape: But Proffesor sir, some kids were making fun of you! ; ) 

Prof D.: WHAT?! :O 

Snape: It's true! 

Prof. D.: Oh well, get back to break-dancing class. 

Snape: But..... :o 

Prof D.: NOW! 

Snape: WAHHHHHHH! o 

Snape ran back the way he came. 

Harry Ron and Hermione ran all the way back to the common room. 

Harry: D'ya think he's lost us? 

Ron: Was he actually chasing us? 

Harry: erm...... 

The embarrassing silence was interrupted by sounds of Dumbledore's unsuccessful skateboarding attempts. 

Prof. D.: Dammit! Stupid skateboard turn! TURN! _F---ING TURN!!!!_

Hermione looked around the common room. Everyone was staring at the portrait in amazement. 

Fred: Is he _still_ hyper? 

Ron: Yep. 

George: WE didn't even give HIM anything! 

Harry: Maybe he's drunk. 

Fred: For _this_ long? 

Hermione: Fred, er.......... 

Fred: _What?_

__Hermione: Never mind. 

Ron: What's with the italics Fred? 

Fred: What _do_ you _mean?_

Harry: Um....... 

Fred: _Oh_ my _god!_

George: HAHHAHAHAHA! I GAVE you an italics SWEET! 

Fred: _Hahahahaha! _I gave _you_ a _CAPS_ sweet! 

Fred & George: _DAMN!_

Someone sniggers. 

George: IT'S not FUNNY! 

Harry: I guess we'll just have to see if he's hyper tomorrow. 

A.N. Okay, so it's not as funny as the first one, but the thought of Dumbledore break-dancing is funny and nobody is to argue, okay? Please review! Any ideas? I could use some! 


	3. The beggining of the tournament Violent ...

**1 Sherbet lemon too many three or The Big Day.**

****

A.N. Okay, I'm gonna try and improve. Thanx for all my reviews anyway. 

Harry opened his eyes and put on his glasses. His heart gave a jolt. Today was the big day! The tournament! As he got dressed he remembered the rather disturbing break-dancing lessons Proffessor McGonagal had attempted to teach. He also remembered the increasingly funny golf lessons with Snape. Man, the look on his face when he was talking about different clubs! 

Harry: Ron, Ron wake up! It's the tournament! 

£ £ 

O 

In the Quidditch Pitch......... 

Prof. D.: PURPLE POTTY FISH! GET IN THE HOLE YOU PIANO TUNA! 

He keeps hitting the grass with a golf club (I think he's supposed to be hitting the ball which is several centimetres to the left of it.) 

Some first years are placing bets on how big a hole he'll make in the ground before he realises what he's doing. 

Prof. D.: DAMN YOU! HIT THE BALL!!!! MRAHHH!!!!!! F--K THIS! 

He throws the club away and grumbles all the way back to the castle. 

First year #1: AHHH MY EYE! 

The other two first years are trying to pull out the golf club which has lodged itself in the kid's head. 

First year #2: Just hold on Timmy! We'll help you! 

Timmy: DEAR GOD WHY? 

In the staff room......... 

In the background, _The Great Escape_ music plays (you know, DA dah da DA da da da........ Sorry) 

On the table, a large map is spread out, it isn't really necessary, but the teachers feel it gives them a sense of purpose (or maybe they just like it 'coz it looks nice. Who knows? : ) 

Professor McGonagal : Okay, here's the plan. As soon as he starts the tournament, I'll turn you all into animals. 

Snape (sarcastically) : Oh _great_ can I be a cute, fluffy owl? 

Lupin: Er.... Snape? 

Snape: What? And I told you it's _Professor_ Snape. 

Lupin: Sure. Umm, owls have feathers, not fluff. 

Snape: DO YOU EVER SHUT UP? HEY, MY NAME TAG STILL SAYS "SNAPE"! 

Me: Hey hey! Don't mess. I'm the one writing this story. 

McGonagal: _Professor_ Snape, do you have a better plan? 

**PROFESSOR** (there, you happy?) Snape: Oh all right. Just don't turn me into anything too stupid. 

% 

Hehe. 

Harry is sitting in the great Hall with everyone else. Suddenly, the loud speakers (which Dumbledore insisted on) blast : GET YOUR ASSES OUTSIDE OR DETENTION. ENJOY THE TOURNAMENT. 

A cheer echoes around the hall. 

The speakers went on again, making that horrible screechy noise if someone has the microphone too close to the speaker. Everyone winces. Once again they hear the voice of Dumbledore : Stupid dumb-a$$ kids. Think they own the school. WHERE THE HELL IS HAGRID?! HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE CARRYING MY GOLF BAG! 

Then the voice of Professor McGonagal came over the loud speakers : Do I havy to wear these ridiculous trousers? Okay okay. Er..... Is that red light supposed to be on? 

Prof. D.: OH SH.... 

The microphone cut off. Everyone in the great hall exchanges nervous looks. 

Hermione: Eheheh. Umm....... Shall we go? 

Harry: Yeah. 

They walk past a couple of prefects who are yelling at Malfoy and trying to hold back Crabbe and Goyle. 

Malfoy (pretending to sound shocked) : Are you just going to sit there and take that kind of abuse Goyle? He called you a dumb-a$$! 

Prefect #1: Shut up Malfoy! 

Malfoy: Gosh Crabbe, did you hear that? He called you a s--t head! That's sooo mean! 

The brawl began. 

Ron: Let's join in! 

Hermione: Let's go. 

She pulls Harry and Ron out. 

Two minutes later, the terrific three (I know, but I can't be bothered saying Harry, Ron and Hermione. DAMN!) Are sitting in the Quidditch stands. 

Harry: Is it me or does it smell like old fart up here? 

Hagrid: Sorry 'bout that. 

Hermione: Hehehe. 

Ron: HERMIONE! YOU'RE LAUGHING AT TOILET HUMOUR! 

Hermione: So? 

Harry: Potty. 

Hermione: (cough) haha (cough) hehe (cough) 

Ron: Crap 

Hermione tries not to explode with laughter. 

Ron: SMELLY OLD S--T! 

Hagrid: Ron! 

Hermione explodes. Literally. 

Harry: Ron! 

Ron: Sorry. 

Harry: Hehehehe (under the furious glare of Ron) I'm (cough) not (cough) laughing at the irony of Hermione (cough) exploding! Me? Never! 

Prof D: LADIES! AND..... ER LADIES! ALLOW ME TO PRESENT..... UM ME! What the hell. Let's play golf! 

A tent is set up in the before-Quidditch-pitch-after-golf-pitch for the teachers. If you were standing outside it this is what you would be hearing. 

Prof. M.: (McGonagal) Okay, any volunteers 

Prof. D: WOULD PROFESSOR SPROUT PLEASE COME OUT! Hehe! I rhymed! 

Prof. M. : Okayy. Wibbitty Woo be a crow! 

A crow flies out of the tent, looking smug. 

Prof. D.: FINE THEN, SNAPE! GET OUT HERE! 

Prof. S. (guess who) : Noooo. Okay, do it! 

Prof. M. : Okay Huffity puffy Be an owl fluffy! 

Prof. S.: Wai..... Ooooo. 

Prof. M.: Oh dear. 

Snape runs out the tent flapping his arms and sayng: Oooo. 

He spots the crowd. 

Snape: Oooooo! 

Miraculously, his arm-flapping actually lets him take off! He flies into the owlry and doesn't come back out. 

Prof. M.: Oh dear, I made that spell up as well. 

Prof D.: EVERYONE GET OUT NOW! 

Prof L. (Lupin, duh!): Nono! I _like_ golf! Honest! 

Prof. M.: You sure? You can be a..... Chicken! 

Prof. L.: GET AWAY! 

Lupin, along with all the other teachers flee the tent. 

Prof. M.: FINE! 

Prof. D.: Me first! Ooh meme! Me first! 

Prof. L.: Sure. 

Prof. D.: Woohoo! 

Prof. L.: Umm. 

Prof. D.: Weehee! 

Prof. L.: Yeah. 

Prof. D.: Wuhuh! 

Prof. L: Riiiight. 

Prof. D.: Waahaa! 

Timmy: JUST TAKE THE DAMN SHOT! 

Prof. D.: Avada kedavra. 

The first year sitting next to Timmy dies and falls out the stand. 

Timmy: HA! Oww, my head. 

He rubs the golf club wedged in his head. 

Dumbledore smacks a clump of ground, vaguely in the direction of the hole. 

Prof. D.: DAMN YOU! AVADA KEDAVRA AVADA KEDAVRA AVA.... 

Lupin grabs Prof. D.'s hand just in time to stop this insane killing spree from reaching his direction. 

Prof. D.: CURSE YOU, TIMMY! 

Timmy makes a very rude gesture, using both hands. (I'll leave it to your imagination.) 

A.N. Okay, more's to come I just thought I'd take another chapter okay? Don't be scared! 


End file.
